By Hedgy
The hobby of Warhammer can be very time consuming. Between modelling, painting, and playing the occasional game, it’s a wonder that any players develop the social skills required to attract a member of the fairer sex. Is it any wonder most of us are lacking in the love department. So you’re a hopeless Warhammer nerd who barely remembers what a woman looks like. Fear not, this guide is designed to help you convert what skills you do have into an effective way of attracting women. Welcome to Warhammer the Romantic Game of Fantasy Battles.
Now there are only like 30 women who play Warhammer, and they're all married, so unless you want to start batting for the other team, you're going to have to get creative. The way I look at it, there are two viable options. Create your own warhammer babe using an unconscious friend and green stuff (not recommended) or continue reading this guide.
Fixing your appearance.
Whatever you look like it's obviously not working, but I will outline several ways to increase your attractiveness with minimal time and effort. Firstly, for the love of god, take a shower, bath or something. Think about it, you wash your new models in a soapy solution (if you don’t you should, helps paint stick better) now it’s your turn.
Now I think it's common knowledge that daemonettes and witch elves are the sexiest models in the Warhammer world, but what is it exactly that makes them so appealing. After many hours reading the army books, examining models, and numerous calculations, it finally dawned upon me what made these models so sexy: TWO HAND WEAPONS! This conclusion provoked much controversy many claiming that it was, in fact, the exposed breasts of the models that was the key ingredient. After much debate I was able to combine the two philosophies into the ultimate look. By cutting two holes in the front of your shirt and holding two large kitchen knives anyone can turn themselves into a babe magnet.
Technique 1.
Why spend all that energy hunting down suitable women when you can get them to come to you? Although it may seem impossible, I found the secrets of this technique by studying the works of the first Warhammer player to ever get mauled by groupies - master tactician, forum icon, and all around love machine, out very own Village Idiot.
What did TVI do to gain his current status? Well he followed a simple two-step process.
Step 1. Create an innovative philosophy and name it after yourself.
It is well known that TVI has his own brand of army list. He took his innovative army list and used a combination of excellent manoeuvres and knowledge of copyright laws to create The Village Idiot Brand army. Now you may be saying to yourself "I'm never going to be able to make an innovative army list, all the good stuff is already taken." Now I admit I had the same point of view until I realized that an innovative list was simply a cruddy list plus winning. Creating a cruddy list suitable for basing a philosophy around is relatively easy, simply think of a unit no one in their right mind would use and fill your army with it. TVI used human infantry, but there are still plenty of crumby units left for the rest of us. Ideally your opponent will wonder what you were smoking when you created the list so shoot for something unbelievably wacky like an army full of Lothern Sea Guard, Dwarf Slayers or something. (It has been pointed out that Games Workshop apparently DID make the aforementioned lists, so act fast before they pump out a halfling gun line supplement)
Step 2. Win a GT with your list
Well we now have the first ingredient to our innovative new philosophy, a list so crazy you couldn't win if you were playing a hamster, - now all you need to do is win a GT... Well we can't all be blessed with TVI's tactical prowess, but fortunately there are a few workarounds that allow anyone to be able to win a GT. Sure GTs attract some of the best players in the game, at least the GTs in your country do... my methods involves travelling to a country where the people don't know the meaning of the word fight, where they surrender at the slightest sign of danger, Canada and France come immediately to mind, but feel free to find your own wussy nation.
Well assuming you followed the instructions right, you are now a GT champion with your own brand of list, so there's nothing left for you to do, but sit back and reap the rewards of your semi hard work. If for some reason this didn't work for you, stay tuned for the next issue, where we examine Warhammer pick up lines and why in the world of women, rear charges don’t earn you +2 combat resolution.