The Burning Issue
Newsletter issue 1
Preface
Welcome to the first issue of the Inquisitorial Burning Issue!
In the newsletter you will find a mix of articles relating to events or notable happenings on the glorious Empire site www.warhammer-empire.com . There is fun, spoofs and random information as well.
This newsletter, if you can call it that, has been in the making for quite some time and has finally been released. It would almost be an archive rather than a newsletter, but that’s not important.
All articles have been written by McKnight with some help from others mentioned on the back page.
I hope that you enjoy the articles and obtain some moments of laughter and relaxation which is the aim of this newsletter!
If you are a heretic and reading this, we ask you to turn yourself in. If you just want to learn something more about the Holy Inquisition, come by and have a chat with an inquisitor. Either way drop by here: http://www.warhammer-empire.com/theforum/index.php?topic=17577.0
Index
Preface
Index
The Burning Issue
Organisation with secret agenda?
Halberdier rally in Salzenmund
The arrival of the heretic smiley
Mass burnings
Games Workshop gets burned at the stake!
Archlector Kaslain issues reward
Quotes
Missing obituary
Games Workshop makes a comeback?
Nordland Timber prices
Spotting of a Septapus
Beastmen dung in the main inquisitional chapter
Travelling guide
Interest in the provinces
The Elves' reproduction
Limericks
Back page
The Burning Issue
Organisation with secret agenda?
News discovered from the underground by the inquisition detectives. An organisation has a master plan!
A newly discovered commercial operation has been discovered!
After many days of hard work, the operation (called Operation Can of Spam by the editors) became a success in The Warhammer-Empire forum.
Operation Can of Spam is shortly described as a top secret operation within the Warhammer-Empire website and forums with the goal to increase interest in certain areas of the forums.
The people involved in this will remain anonymous and have been interviewed in order to obtain information to this strictly objective news article. The people interviewed in this article have asked to go under the cover name, WMD.
The forum in question is the Count’s Tavern where the scribes of The Empire meet and discuss other relevant information than anything to do with The Empire. It is also the home of our glorious organisation, The Sigmarite Holy Inquisitional Tabernacle of Solace.
The basis for the investigation was the vast amount of replies posted in the certain topic, which led to the fact that there was a master plan behind all of this. Contact to the author was made and the detectives were led to an interview with WMD.
It seems those involved have received help from a large organisation inside the forums. Our detectives have played a decisive part in the investigation of where this aid could come from.
The detectives’ first thoughts were to investigate the infamous rich tax collector, Lord M. He had been known to be supporting projects in the forums and have had struggles for power with our beloved large organisation, The Sigmarite Holy Inquisitional Tabernacle of Solace.
Later interviews showed that it was indeed not Lord M. who had a paw in the doings, but was used as a tool to help the organisation without knowing it.
The organisation was revealed to be The Sigmarite Holy Inquisitional Tabernacle of Solace which had planned an extensive plan to attract attention to their cause and reach the status of most replied to topic on the entire forum!
And they succeeded! The Thread became the top most replied topic.
Halberdier rally in Salzenmund
Report concerning the annual halberdier rally in Salzenmund. The top halberdiers came to the conclusion that they suck, but that they would take strength 4 any day!
In the day of Morrslieb before the sun was at its zenith, the annual halberdier rally started. More than five hundred halberdiers showed up at the beginning of the day.
“A poorer show than last year”, the president of the soldiers’ association, United Halberdiers, Ludwig Fierkraft, comments.
He suggests it may be that many of the halberdiers are commissioned for on duty assignments, or that they have been killed in battle. For many years Herr Fierkraft has tried to employ a new law concerning halberdiers and this special day. He has written many letters to Karl Franz and asked him to make a national holiday out of this day, only to halberdiers of course.
Every time has he been rejected by a letter from the court telling him all disposable units must be able to respond any time necessary.
Luwig of course thinks it is another way of telling him that they want to make sure that they have cannon fodder at their disposal.
On other occasions Ludwig has sought to bring more attention to the halberdiers’ environment and equipment. He has complained about the fact that the “Fancy fency swordsmen”, as he calls them, in the battalion are all offered shields without any hesitation while halberdiers have to bring their own.
Bureaucratic issues have even made it illegal for the halberdiers to use their shields together with their favourite weapon, the halberd, and have to be content with their single half inch thick metal plate.
Standard issue swords are given to the halberdiers but their code tells them that they are to take their halberdier any day. Other wise they would just be second rate swordsmen.
At the rally the halberdier musical choir happily sang songs about the heroism of the halberdiers and their grant deeds through times. It was very short and mostly involved death.
Ludwig’s speech was about the new military reform imposed on the halberdiers after the Storm of Chaos. The halberdiers’ pay was reduced to 4 gold crowns a week while the Swordsmen were received 6 gold crowns a week.
The halberdiers have been reassigned to new duties involving patrolling of forests, guard watch in the cities and fatigue duty. All this while the swordsmen only train and relax.
Ludwig Fierkraft somewhat rejoices over one thing though: swordsmen are sent to battle every time, while the halberdiers stay at home or as support units, minimizing the halberdier casualty.
Together with the songs and speeches, a well known folk tale was told by the eldest living halberdier in The Empire.
The story written by Lord M can be found here:
http://www.warhammer-empire.com/library/danse/counsel.php
At another place, a rally of greatswords is under way and live images can be found here: http://www.warhammer-empire.com/theforum/index.php?topic=17640.0
The arrival of the heretic smiley
The heretic smiley arrived at the Warhammer-empire forum on the 11th of November 2007, supplied by Calvin, the Canadian.
Logging on the forum as usual, I was about to reply to one of the amazing posts in the Inquisition, when I suddenly noticed the new addition to the Warhammer-Empire forum, the burning heretic smiley!
It was the 11th of November and supplied by our web-admin Calvin the Canadian. Calvin was given immediate pardon of any future crimes he might perform by the inquisition.
The smiley was used much that day and with good reason. Not only did it move from side to side it was burning! Everything an inquisitor could ask for!
The smiley brought smiles on our order’s members and a wild party went on all night in honour of Calvin the generous.
It is mostly used by loyal servants of Sigmar either accusing other members of our society of being a heretic, or trying to show their fear of being seen as a heretic.
The shortcut for the heretic smiley is: ::Heretic::
Mass burnings
Mass burnings on Warhammer-Empire disturbs the members of the forum because the inquisition finally caught some heretics and did something about it!
The most brutal burnings ever recorded on the Warhammer-Empire forum, were executed by the Sigmarite Inquisition on November 15th
Some of the executed suspects had been in the inquisition’s sight for quite some time but had not gained enough evidence to burn them at the stake.
Mainly is Crimsonsphinx who is an old familiar heretic within the organisation. His clever display of the symbol of Slaneesh confused the agents trailing him and bought himself some time before he was caught.
Their crimes were serious and could not be forgiven. They had dishonoured the Holy Sigmar and tainted his holy lands.
From the official burning record:
Recorded: « Reply #425 on: November 15, 2007, 06:01:48 PM »
7 burned heretics.
Spiney, Gargoyle, Captscott, Patsy89, Gneisenau, Crimsonsphinx and Phydox
Veldemere: Pardoned
Here is a wood cutting of the event:
Games Workshop gets burned at the stake!
Games Workshop has been condemned immediately after the astonishing heretical acts performed by the toy soldier producing company.
Thursday the 14th of February the company Games Workshop performed one of the most heretical acts that are known. The punishment is one of the harshest the inquisition has to offer and is personally executed by the most esteemed High Inquisitor Wyzer1.
The heretical act can be found here: http://uk.games-workshop.com/storefront/store.uk?do=Individual&code=99110202056&orignav=13
Notice the headline and you shall see what is so wrong about it. It is a blasphemous act against Sigmar and the Inquisition questions the involvement of Gav Thorpe, a heretic of true nature, and an investigation has commenced concerning the matter.
Misspelling War Altar is a serious tainted act and the War Alter wording cannot be tolerated!
The act of heresy proves the corruption within the ranks of Games Workshop’s employees. Many of them have now been burned at the stake just as a precaution; among the burned ones was Graham McNeil, who just happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time. He tried to defend himself with his halberd but finally realised its uselessness as he was gutted by a sword.
Archlector Kaslain issues reward
The most Holy Archlector Kaslain has issued a reward of 200 Gold Crowns to anyone who can bring enough information about the lowlife who keyed his War Altar to get him burned at the stake (name and residence area is sufficient).
It happened the night during the holy mass in the grand cathedral while the War Altar was parked outside at the front, on the religious parking space only allowed for Steam tanks and War Altars.
Yours faithful
The Church of Sigmar
Heldenhammer Strasse 1
Quotes
From Warhammer-Empire.com we bring you some of the best quotes from the forum members!
We expose the true nature of the Mods and our members.
Quote from: Crimsonsphinx on November 16, 2007, 04:47:06 PM
“This is precisely why I think RAW is anally retarded as a concept and people practicing it are lucky chemical castration is not a legal method of dealing with it.”
Quote from: Warlord on November 22, 2007, 10:34:02 AM
“I'm a big advocate of number 2”
And of course the infamous quote from Dendo Star:
"Well strip me naked and call me Suzy!"
Quote from: Dendo Star on November 17, 2007, 05:25:49 AM
Rufas: If Midaski hurries he could get a date with Two Ton Sally.
And there goes my heterosexuality.
Quote from: PhillyT on December 24, 2007, 02:28:23 AM
I sexually violated the cat. When we have children I will push harder for this time honored and enjoyable tradition.
Missing obituary
The Burning issue would like to apologize for the 12 missing obituary pages in this edition. The office has been very busy informing relatives of the heresy and afterwards burning of the relatives to make sure all is well, which is why the obituary became so long!
Again we apologize for the missing pages!
Games Workshop makes a comeback?
The burning issue also brings its readers the most up to date stock prices and stock exchange news from the important companies in our Empire.
A recent stock exchange graph shows that GW has been making a comeback.
The graph shows the progress of the Games Workshop share prices from early November to late January 2008.
In just 5 days the prices has risen nicely even though the global market has fallen. Games Workshop shows great potential, but still has a long way before they reach their normal share price.
We at the Inquisition accommodate this and hope that the stock prices will keep rising. Which might get some of those prices hikes we are having off our backs?
It is the mentally like the one of Dendo Star which will keep this company going. Here is a quote from Dendo:
"I noticed I can now buy an awesome pack of 5 old-timey Imperial Archers. Do I need them? No.
Will I buy them? We all know the answer."
Nordland Timber prices
In other news, the Nordland Timber market has received great interest in the latest period. The timber prices have gradually risen because of the popular demand for good fire wood, especially made by the inquisition.
Nordland Timber, true Imperial timber for true Imperial Inquisitors
Spotting of a Septapus
Just recently an amateur marine biologist caught a Septapus in the River Aver. The amateur marine biologist was the famous scribe rufus sparkfire, the extraordinary storywriter and teller, who does not like to have his name mistaken with a certain wizard’s (nor the use of capitalised letters).
Herr Sparkfire caught the Septapus while out fishing in the River Aver, while he was enjoying his leisure he suddenly got the Septapus in his net.
He named it rufus the Septapus, and is now living healthily in the Imperial zoo. The only problem the zoo keepers are having with this rare animal is that they don’t know what to feed them. With only 7 legs it is absolutely helpless and can’t kill anything.
Come visit the Imperial zoo for only 20 Gold crowns!
Beastmen dung in the main inquisitional chapter
In the main inquisitional chapter house large quantities of beastman dung had been misplaced, which let to a closure of the inquisition for several days!
A fast response from the working inquisitors resulted in no slipping incidents and a safe closure of the chapter house.
Methods of cleaning the chapter house had to be decided upon. Many good ideas were brought up by the inquisitors, such as torching the place, setting fire to only the dung and set a heretic to clean it (and then set him on fire). Although these were all good, the high inquisitors decided to close the tabernacle for a short period of time, where the new invention, Von Heiniken’s Relentless Super soaker 300X was tested!
While the tabernacle had been closed for the public, carrier pigeons were used to provide an emergency hotline to the Inquisition.
Travelling guide
For all the busy merchants who travel a lot will now have access to our travelling guide!
Among other features it includes the plurals of nationalities in the Empire in our beloved Reikspiel. It will also include maps and information regarding all of the provinces.
The travelling guide will be available in all bookstores that sponsor the Inquisition*. The guide will not be available to any wizards as we simply don’t like them.
*Inquisitors and priests of Sigmar will get a discount
Interest in the provinces
20/01/08
A recent consensus performed by the Tabernacle has shown new shocking information regarding our Empire’s generals’ interest in our grand provinces.
The consensus engaged a statistic report concerning which concerned the interest shown into our various provinces in The Empire. The interest was determined and counted in the so called “hits”. A topic for each province of The Empire has been created on the website Warhammer-empire.com where it is supposedly is Stirland which gains the most attention by our generals. With as many as 2063 hits which takes up the lead by far.
The runner up province is the various Independent armies with 1560 hits. On the bottom is Middenland with 601 and a close second, Nordland with 604 hits.
Trying to explain the high hit count of Stirland, the Inquisition started an investigation concerning this absurdly high amount of hits.
The investigation party came to the conclusion that it was because of the many pictures posted by some the Stirlandic artists in there. The pictures had caused people to look more at the thread than the others because of the beautiful paintwork. They sure know how to promote their province. No traces of chaos were found, Stirland is yet safe, although Wyzer have tried to get the whole population burned several times.
http://www.warhammer-empire.com/theforum/index.php?topic=16091.0
The Elves' reproduction
A new published report concerning the Elves’ reproduction has shown stunning evidence that the Elves are a dying race. It gives us a detailed insight in the elf society, which basically is crumbling because no new elf babies are born. Here are the reasons why.
The High elves.
They train all the time in order to prepare for the Dark elves. They do this by chopping wood or farming. Now, because all the males are out training and fighting, the women are left home doing the cooking and all that and therefore the males wont see much to their female counterpart because of their wars.
In addition. The High elf males have seen the Dark elves and their women folk and are very jealous, which is why they gain hatred against the DE.
The Dark elves.
The male Dark elves are very lucky to have such stunning women among them. They, opposite to the High elves, see their women every day. They fight together, but they are unavailable, off the market you might say, because they are all married to Khaine. Not a god whose women you want to take.
So the male Dark elves are forced to only watch their women bathe in blood together and ... do their Khaine thing.
The Wood elves
Well there isn’t much to it really. The wood elves have taken damage from being isolated from the surrounding world that they have turned to the trees to satisfy them. They have women but they also turn their attention to trees so no babies come out of them.
Summing up
Difference between the High elves and Dark elves is that the Dark elves get to see their women everyday, which doesn’t make them homosexual, but the High elves don’t and over some centuries have come to terms with the fact that they wont see their women because of their training and wars, so they choose the other gender to satisfy their pleasures.
All in all, elves don’t reproduce.
Limericks
A period of fun and glory has struck Warhammer-Empire and our wonderful members have shown their artistic talents in ways of words. Their limericks reflect the happy world of Warhammer and our Imperial society.
Here are some of the best limericks:
"Defiance 1"
We shine our blades till they glisten
Not a thing do we miss, we listen
We frequently get shut down
But we are always around
For we are the Inquisition!
"Defiance 2"
The Halberdiers do what they may
Theres not much else to say
Graham McNeil's mistake
Theres no other take
But I'd take strength 4 anyday!
Philly’s flaw
There once was a cat from Maine
Whose owner was quite insane
He said "come here kitty
I think you're really pretty"
We all know PhillyT's to blame.
The rest of the limericks can be found here:
http://www.warhammer-empire.com/theforum/index.php?topic=21075.0
An old thread with some more poems:
http://www.warhammer-empire.com/theforum/index.php?topic=5041.msg55856#msg55856
Back page
As you are reading this page, you are reading the end of this magnificent newspaper. It has been fun to establish and write down some of the fun stories that occur on the W-E forum and we hope to bring another newsletter including more and new interesting stories!
This is where the crew will be listed (small as it is) and all are members of the Inquisition.
McKnight Main scribe and editor
Wyzer1 Co-Worker and Idea processor
Rufas the Eccentric Idea processor
Veldemere Idea processor
Thanks to:
rufus sparkfire
Midaski “Lord M”
Dendo Star
All the supporters of the inquisition
Special thanks to:
www.warhammer-empire.com
Madame R’s ressort